Fade Into You...

this isn't a cry for help, nor a reason for you all to get upset. no, it's simply just what it is. i've been going through a tough time lately, but that isn't really that rare. there always seems to be something wrong with me. i take it that i'm attracted to the drama and i relish in the fact that hopefully someone out there feels sorry for me. is that true??? i certainly hope not!!! being a person with depression isn't fun and not something i would wish on my worst enemy. (i have no enemies.) it isn't cool and it isn't hip. the music i post on here is usually a reflection of my current mood. as of right now, my current mood is sad, lonely and tired. i'll admit to something that most will roll their eyes over, but gosh darnit, i miss my ex-girlfriend real bad!!! yeah, how many people out there post on their blogs an almost identical sentence eh??? no, seriously, i miss my ex. i think about her everyday. it hurts too much, but she never seems to leave my mind. what's up with that??? it's been over a year since we were together. shouldn't i have gotten over her by now??? that's what my family says. and oh boy, i sure can tell when they are tired of me mentioning her when i'm upset.

but whatever on that. she meant a lot to me and still does. am i writing this in hopes that she will read it and call me or text me??? if i said no then i would be the biggest liar since bill clinton. yes, i hope she does read this. i hope she does maybe call or text. i miss her and i want to know how she is doing. fact: she was going to come to oklahoma for red earth weekend, but had to cancel those plans. i understood and felt sorry for her. i believe she really wanted to come here and see me. i remember that short conversation we had through texting when she told me the bad news. i said "you can still come. i'll always be here!!!" i think this upset her and this made me look like a fool. she immediately had to leave. what i meant to say was, "you can still come to oklahoma when it's a good time for you. i'll always be here and i'm not leaving anytime soon." yeah, try writing all of that in a text message...

call me pathetic, call me what you will. (green day lyrics!!!) judge me if you want, i won't pay attention because i've heard it a million times before. is this my most pathetic post on my blog as of now??? i guess it depends on what your definition of pathetic is. look here: i'm a 25 year old male from oklahoma who is a college graduate and jobless. i live with my dad and bum money off my family. i don't look for jobs as much as i should and my main excuse for that is my fear of being trapped in something i won't ever leave. ultimately, it comes down to failure. failure is my biggest fear and what is worse than failing at life??? i've seen it since i was born and since i could remember, my goal was to not fail. so far, i think i'm stuck in the middle of failure and accomplishment. there are things i'm good at, and also things i've finished, but they lack something i'm still searching for. i think it's an inner peace and humbleness. i want to be more humble and giving. i want to break my terrible habits and rid myself of this depression. i want to be a better person, not only for my self, but for everyone around me!!! my psychiatrist says, "what do you want to be like if you ever meet you ex again???" how am i going to be if i ever met my ex again??? will i still be the same person, or will i be different??? i know for sure that if we met again, i wouldn't want her to think of me as a pathetic excuse for a human being. i wouldn't want to put her through the same crap that i did when we were together. i want to beat my demons and be the best for her. be the best for everyone...

following my pattern and paragraphs of stuff then music, here's, well, the music... i have been thinking of a song during this time of massive brain blogging (me thinking too much...) and it's gotten more stuck than the boogers under your chair. the song is called, "fade into you" and it's by the band, Mazzy Star.



i love dream-pop and shoegaze. i thank my friend, frank who i met my first year at college, for introducing me to this group. mazzy star formed in 1989 after founding members david roback and kendra smith came together from their previous bands. on a tour with The Jesus and Mary Chain, smith left the band and friend/vocalist hope sandoval was asked to step in. after this sandoval and roback began to collaborate, thus releasing three mazzy star albums before breaking up in 2003. hope sandoval went on to form her own band, Hope Sandoval and the Warm Inventions and roback wrote songs for films and did some solo work. it was stated in a 2009 rolling stone interview that the band is back together and working on a fourth album. this is awesome news!!!

today i have only one album to post and that is the bands second release titled, So Tonight That I Might See. this is the album that made them huge during the 90's and its a wonderful jaunt through dreamy soundscapes and moody atmospheres. something i dig thoroughly...


http://www.megaupload.com/?d=X5C90KOV



toy story 3 was an excellent movie...