Saturday, August 22, 2009

Today is the day that the lord has made...

okay, so i left my house with my step brother to get my cousin and see the new Tarantino flick. well after leaving and not getting about a mile down the road i look down for one second then look back up to see this little red car right in front of me. well that was it. i hit the thing and pretty much totaled their trunk. i swerved to the left and got almost out of the way, but when i hit the brakes i skidded and hit the back end with my right front passenger side bumper. my car is totally fine. i broke my light and scratched the plastic bumper, but all in all my car is just fine and thank god for that. only problem now is i have a ticket and i got to get my light fixed. on top of that i need a freekin' job. i know i can complain about being a college graduate and having a hard time in this world finding a job, but doing that kind of thing doesn't help my situation. complaining doesn't help at all...

so, on monday i'm going to the moore oklahoma court to set back my ticket in order to get a job to pay for it. yep, i'm in a hard place as of now. i never saw it comin'...oh, and we didn't get to see the movie. we instead got my cousin and came back to the house and watched Twilight with Riff Tracks.

my mood since this incident has been all over the place. i don't like myself when i can't focus and just dwell in self pity and depression. i have tried my best to overcome such things since this past year of hell that has been my life. i don't want to go through that sickness again. i'm not going to let this crap get to me.

here's the weird thing though. whenever i get depressed, i can think of the worst things in life and for some reason they sort of make me feel better. most of those things involve death. lots of death. mostly my own death... don't read into that. i'm not going anywhere. i'm not in that hole anymore. it's just that i think of those sorts of things and they seem to comfort me...

here is a youtube video that i found a long time ago. i searched for the song that is playing in the video and when i came upon it i found this. it's a different mash up for sure. the song is called Xtal and its by Richard D. James or better known as Aphex Twin. he is a fantastic Drum n' Bass artist, but also a great ambient artist.

here is the album Selected Ambient Works 85-92.

i don't really know what i feel when i watch that video. i guess when you grow up surrounded by drama, you might become numb to some things. i for sure am numb more often nowadays than i use to be when i was a kid. death is here and death will come, but i want to at least live my life as best as i can and greet death as an old friend and not some enemy.

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