Thursday, August 27, 2009

Oh, how they come and go...

deep dark caverns of the deepest dark you can imagine...when i was there, it felt like no other. there were no others. there was only me and myself. of course i now know that was not true, but at the time it sure felt like it and sometimes today it still comes back, creeping up like smoke under the door. what is it like to feel this way??? i can't tell you because i try my best to not remember it. it was probably the most painful experience i've ever had in my life up till now and that means that my parents divorce from my chilhood doesn't even compare.

why am i writing this down??? is there a point to all this??? am i being too over the top and full of my own self pity??? i really don't know...i just wanted to write something down and remember for just a little bit of a time that was hard to live. well, life is sometimes hard to live and we all have problems to deal with. i know that for sure. but, sometimes i think back and question what was going on. was there a way that i could of handled it better??? did i have to repeat the same mistakes over and over again hoping that they would be different each time???

you see, at college i began this steady decent into a personal hell. i slowly began to crumble under something i could not understand. eventually i found someone who pulled me out of the catacombs only to send me back in much faster and deeper than before. it's not that persons fault though. i fully stand by that statement. it was my own fault...i made choices that i already knew the outcome of. by no doubt a fool's choice. an ignorant fool i was...

so, with all this depressive writing, what am i gettin' at here??? well i wanted to get back into that spirit for only a little bit to bring you to the music post here. while i was in that phase of my life i found someone who i became attached to. actually two people, but i will post on one just for now and save the other for my next post. the person i want to mention is non other than Nick Drake. the singer songwriter who tragically died at the young age of 26. he committed suicide by overdose. for some reason, i became attracted to those who committed suicide. i don't relish this fact because like i said, i was a fool. i still am in many ways...

the music this man made was an outlet for just the few minutes that they lasted. this man knew pain and isolation. he knew what it felt like to be in those places i described above. he knew and i was glad to discover that fact because for those who were not me, which is everyone, they could not even begin to fathom what my life was like. they can only speculate and i wondered if they even cared at all. (which i know a lot did...)

it's during those quiet times that i listened to Nick. his soft cool voice was warm and tender. he was a story teller. he told us about himself and what life is like for others. he spoke words that he had written. he inspired me to write better. to write some truth and not to bs people. here are the lyrics to the song "river man".

Betty came by on her way
Said she had a word to say
About things today
And fallen leaves.

Said she hadn't heard the news
Hadn't had the time to choose
A way to lose
But she believes.

Going to see the river man
Going to tell him all I can
About the plan
For lilac time.

If he tells me all he knows
About the way his river flows
And all night shows
In summertime.

Betty said she prayed today
For the sky to blow away
Or maybe stay
She wasn't sure.

For when she thought of summer rain
Calling for her mind again
She lost the pain
And stayed for more.

Going to see the river man
Going to tell him all I can
About the ban
On feeling free.

If he tells me all he knows
About the way his river flows
I don't suppose
It's meant for me.

Oh, how they come and go
Oh, how they come and go.

here for the post are three albums. first is his debut Five Leaves Left and then his second album Bryter Layter and then his third and final album Pink Moon. that is it and i hope you might take a chance and give them all a listen. just to be warned, this is music that is pretty mellow and not always the best thing to listen to when in certain moods. yeah, i sound like i'm contradicting myself from all the stuff i've written, but it's very true. this is very mellon collie music. i just found it to be there for me when i was in those certain "moods". standout tracks from the albums such as "fly", "northern sky", "fruit tree", "pink moon", and the already mentioned and personal favorite, "river man" are ones that i hold dear to my heart.

this post is in no way a glorification of all things depressing. sometimes beautiful things come out from our most darkest of times. what we are supposed to do is pick ourselves up and friggin' move on!!! i believe i have and am doing much better for it. i still listen to this music now and then, but that does not mean i'm still in those deep dark caverns i once was...

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