Time And Time Again...

my mood is one of blah blah blah. you ever felt like screaming so loud that the world will notice??? you know, like your voice is so loud that everyone will stop in their tracks and take notice to your own freekin' pain??? i guess when your this upset over everything ever, you become a more selfish person. i'd like to try and cover all the bases because i think too much. dammit, i hate myself and how i feel all the time.

time seems to be in this weird alternate space. i don't feel connected to anything. i've been thinking this is the result of my attempted suicides a while back. i believe i was supposed to die back then, but instead failed in my attempt and am now in limbo or some shit. why do i always wear black??? why am i such a skeeze...

i'm at dads washing my stinkin clothes. the same ol' clothes i've been slammin' on my back for years. they're a part of my being, not to be changed or altered. most of them are black, not bright. colors make me sick. i've only made a few exceptions for things like my job and powwow outfit. subpar is my overall appearance. i try to not take pride, but i'd only be lying if i stated that to anyone. i'm obsessed with my looks and absolutely hate how i look. i'm fat, shaggy, and in need of a change. back in college i starved myself so much that i dropped to 155lbs. my body suffered from that ordeal, but i looked so awesome. at least i thought i did. others couldn't agree. my grandma said i looked like a holocaust survivor. i liked that comparison...

i'm not the best of company. i ruined my girlfriends birthday night out. i drank, but didn't want to. i just wanted to keep the peace. i hate drinking, especially with other indians. i'm part indian, so i must sound like a hypocrite. i'd like to be amongst other native people, but not in that situation. it hurts so much to see these things happen. but yeah, i'm a fighter and i want to take on the world and save everybody. no more hurt and no more struggle. i of course can't do anything about it. i think too much and end up hurting myself even more.

here's one interesting moment. i'm currently watching the old 90's show, "My So Called Life." sundace channel is broadcasting something from my past. i'm a 90's kid. the best and worst times of my life happened back then. can you still get passed the fact that your parents divorced, you saw your mom get beat up by a monster, and your dad become a man whore???

ha ha, Buffalo Tom is playing live on the show, and jared leto is being an ass to claire danes. i love how the characters wear the same clothes once in a while. that seems more real than any other show out there. i mean, what kind of kids have something different for every day of the week??? this is taking me back...

teen angst can still be a part of you when your suposably an adult. do we ever really grow up??? won't we all still think about the same things when we're old and grumpy??? i'll probably still be thinking about my past like it was still present. divorce, anguish, depression, rape, death, pills, beer, weed, sex, cuts, trips, my ex, my grandma, my mom, my dad, my dead brother, music, books, movies, writing, drawing, sleeping, colors, black, white, grey, cross hatch, rockstar, teddy, cloie, otto, hammy, driving, dreaming, new mexico, colorado, kansas, arizona, california, texas, oklahoma, crossroads mall, penn square mall, falls creek, kissing, touching, rubbing, humping, tight pants, band shirts, jurrasic park, aliens, star wars, akira, charlie brown, snoopy, church, youth groups, girls and their different ways, sitting, standing, hate, love, chocolate cake, koolaid, iced tea, pizza, pete and pete, doug, mxtxvx, the smashing pumpkins, deftones, radiohead, U2, bruce springsteen, creek, seminole, grass dancing, fancy dancing, powwows, camping, swimming, running, baseball, basketball, heaven, hell, my home...

all is not that well with me. i'm hurting at the mo'...