Cowboys, Aliens & Natives...

soooo, last night was awesome!!! me and kristy went and saw Cowboys & Aliens. to some, it might have been super silly, but for us it was great!!! the really best part was seeing Adam Beach in a new movie, plus the wonderful Apache extras on set. (kristy is San Carlos Apache) we laughed and cheered as the Natives outsmarted the aliens and helped bring victory to the wild west.

Right now i'm back at dad's, washing clothes and trying to stay cool. i just got done running around the block and i reel rejuvinated. there really is something great about workin' out. i know i need it...

oh, and this weekend is Indian Hills!!! i'm not dancing this year because i feel i'm not ready. after breaking my foot and gaining some weight, i feel as if i should get back in shape somewhat. i'm actually looking forward to it. no more tight clothes and flabby skin. time to tone up!!!

well i gotta go. Falls Creek is next week and i'm very excited about going at least one day. i'm finishing up the last touches to my Native American calendar and when that's done, i'll try and get it posted on here. see you all laters!!!

Wiggle Room...

i'm designing a cartoon picture for the splashes news paper. i hope its used because i really like how its turning out. its a Native American animal calendar, just like the ones you can find at chinese restaraunts. instead of dragons, rats, and monkeys, we have buffalo, eagles, armadillos, and bigfoot among others. there's even funny descriptions for each animal, which are placed on all twelve months. yeah, i'm gooing over this little project and am very excited about how it will all turn out!!!

and so, tonight was church and it was good. i spent time praying and basking in the Lord's house. its so peaceful at church. there is never anything wrong when being surrounded by Christians, sharing time with each other. i always get a good feeling when i'm with my church family. when there's more than one Christian together, the power of God is strong.

have a great night folks...

The Laughing Cow...

i'm at a splashes meeting right now. its so much fun!!! were trying to come up with funny ideas for the back page. i think were loosin' our minds right now. the ideas we have so far are ridiculous. something to do with x-men and she hulk. also, maybe worf from star trek.

i'm also very tired, but in a good mood. i'll pass the time at home by watching rifftrax. boy oh boy, do i love those rifftrax!!! ;)

i really have nothing else to say. g'night!!!

Mexi Dips & Chips...

i'm itchin' to write something good. not that i hate my previous entrys, but something more relatable to everyone i guess...

soooo, what was it about the last post huh??? i already made someone mad over it. guess who it is???

ok, so yeah things have been extra bad with me, but the past weekend was a life changer. i can't go into detail about it, but it was a revelation. something happened to me. something HEAVY...

i feel different. sorry about my last post to those who read this thing...

Time And Time Again...

my mood is one of blah blah blah. you ever felt like screaming so loud that the world will notice??? you know, like your voice is so loud that everyone will stop in their tracks and take notice to your own freekin' pain??? i guess when your this upset over everything ever, you become a more selfish person. i'd like to try and cover all the bases because i think too much. dammit, i hate myself and how i feel all the time.

time seems to be in this weird alternate space. i don't feel connected to anything. i've been thinking this is the result of my attempted suicides a while back. i believe i was supposed to die back then, but instead failed in my attempt and am now in limbo or some shit. why do i always wear black??? why am i such a skeeze...

i'm at dads washing my stinkin clothes. the same ol' clothes i've been slammin' on my back for years. they're a part of my being, not to be changed or altered. most of them are black, not bright. colors make me sick. i've only made a few exceptions for things like my job and powwow outfit. subpar is my overall appearance. i try to not take pride, but i'd only be lying if i stated that to anyone. i'm obsessed with my looks and absolutely hate how i look. i'm fat, shaggy, and in need of a change. back in college i starved myself so much that i dropped to 155lbs. my body suffered from that ordeal, but i looked so awesome. at least i thought i did. others couldn't agree. my grandma said i looked like a holocaust survivor. i liked that comparison...

i'm not the best of company. i ruined my girlfriends birthday night out. i drank, but didn't want to. i just wanted to keep the peace. i hate drinking, especially with other indians. i'm part indian, so i must sound like a hypocrite. i'd like to be amongst other native people, but not in that situation. it hurts so much to see these things happen. but yeah, i'm a fighter and i want to take on the world and save everybody. no more hurt and no more struggle. i of course can't do anything about it. i think too much and end up hurting myself even more.

here's one interesting moment. i'm currently watching the old 90's show, "My So Called Life." sundace channel is broadcasting something from my past. i'm a 90's kid. the best and worst times of my life happened back then. can you still get passed the fact that your parents divorced, you saw your mom get beat up by a monster, and your dad become a man whore???

ha ha, Buffalo Tom is playing live on the show, and jared leto is being an ass to claire danes. i love how the characters wear the same clothes once in a while. that seems more real than any other show out there. i mean, what kind of kids have something different for every day of the week??? this is taking me back...

teen angst can still be a part of you when your suposably an adult. do we ever really grow up??? won't we all still think about the same things when we're old and grumpy??? i'll probably still be thinking about my past like it was still present. divorce, anguish, depression, rape, death, pills, beer, weed, sex, cuts, trips, my ex, my grandma, my mom, my dad, my dead brother, music, books, movies, writing, drawing, sleeping, colors, black, white, grey, cross hatch, rockstar, teddy, cloie, otto, hammy, driving, dreaming, new mexico, colorado, kansas, arizona, california, texas, oklahoma, crossroads mall, penn square mall, falls creek, kissing, touching, rubbing, humping, tight pants, band shirts, jurrasic park, aliens, star wars, akira, charlie brown, snoopy, church, youth groups, girls and their different ways, sitting, standing, hate, love, chocolate cake, koolaid, iced tea, pizza, pete and pete, doug, mxtxvx, the smashing pumpkins, deftones, radiohead, U2, bruce springsteen, creek, seminole, grass dancing, fancy dancing, powwows, camping, swimming, running, baseball, basketball, heaven, hell, my home...

all is not that well with me. i'm hurting at the mo'...

Expecto Nerdydum...

i'm excited because me and kristy are seeing the final harry potter tonight. the geek in me is ready for the final "chapter" of this beloved franchise. let's just see how they handle it. my expectations are pretty high.

oh, and this week is going to be a fun time. kristy's birthday is very soon, so we're going out tomorrow to celebrate. i just hope things don't get to crazy. and that's about it. nothing much more to say. you all take care now...

The Library Of Schuyler...

today was a good day. i got paid and went out and bought two book shelves. i've been waiting for a long while for these pieces of furniture. what's exciting is that i finally get to display my books and movies. all the boxes i moved in with will finally be out of here, and more living room space will be available. in my dreams, back before i moved to my current location, i often imagined having my belongings neatly organized and properly handled. now of course these are all just items and not going to be much else, but i know that. i just have a passion for my hobbies and its an accomplishing moment to give these things a nice place to be. boxes are soooo frumpy and depressing. just seeing them sitting here all stacked up and stuff reminds me of the song, "Even If It Kills Me", by Motion City Soundtrack. Look it up!!!

aight, so its late and i'm freekin' tired. its going to be a busy week for me, so i better get started on my rest. i don't want to be a sleepy piece of crap...

Lights Inside My Head...

the california chicken melt at city bites is my new favorite sandwich. its friday and my weekend is starting to be booked. tonight i'm hanging with kristy and her buddy, then goin' to a wedding in anadarko tomorrow. i miss my church so much, so i'm going to make an effort and be there on sunday.

people watching is a curious matter to me. i tend to tell their moods and guess their inner thoughts by studying them. i've always be observant in this strange way. not just with people, but with other things like ceilings, walls, the ground, and even bugs as they go about their daily business. i also have a knack for spotting faces on such items i've listed. does that make me weird???

4th Of July Limitations...

my short vacation is now over. back to work tomorrow. but i never let that bother me because Falls Creek is still coming, and that is my REAL vacation. anyway, me and kristy went to dallas and then came back to stay the night with my dad in fort cobb. over this period of time, my depression was flaring up and down, never to absolutely leave me. i don't mind saying this here because it helps me to write it down. i'm so tired of hurting like this. when will it end???

when i'm depressed, i have to take time away from the world and just wait it out. of course that's not a good idea for people like me. here's an old story. i remember watching tv and seeing a commercial for depression medicine. the speaker listed symptoms that, if one should have, might be related to manic depression or bi-polar disorder. i thought this over and one day mentioned it to my mom. she got angry and told me to never say that or think that. i must have been around 15 or 16...

is there a point to this post??? no, but my mind is beginning to be at ease. i'm sorry...